One of the things I hate the most, is high blood sugar.  Not high like, “Oh. Good thing I tested.  I didn’t even notice."  High like, "Do you taste metal?  What smells like burning dust? Water. Water. Water! Water! Water! Water!”

Lately, I seem to be in a bit of rut when it comes to my blood sugar.  In the evenings, I’m watching the girls while Mamma is at school.  Dinner is usually made while swatting Squishy’s hands away from the stove. Her response is often the cycling, staccato, yells of  “Hot! No! Mine!"  Hot is just her repeating me.  I keep thinking that if she only knew what hot meant, maybe she wouldn’t use the word with such a how-dare-you tone.  She gets that from her mother.

Ever heard the say, "Never trust a skinny chef”?  Few people know, but that is the abbreviated saying.  The full saying is, “Never trust a skinny chef, unless he has diabetes.” Look out Comedy Central. The point is, I cannot cook without eating.  In fact, I cannot handle food without eating. It doesn’t matter if I like the food. I will eat anything edible if it stays in reach long enough. He has also been known for eating a few things that only looked edible.

Once super is done cooking. I prepare plates for both girls. Get Squishy in her chair-slash-table thingy. Highchair? Close enough. Then, I sit down with them and eat. This is the point where I should be testing my glucose and taking some insulin. Instead, I am having a quiet internal celebration that I made it to super, and I am still standing.

I finish eating and start helping Squishy eat as this is about the time she starts losing interest. The spoon I gave her is obviously flawed. It can only hold the food until just above her chest. If it could only hold the food for one millimeter more, the food would make it in her mouth. Its that sudden flip-over right at the end that ruins it every time. This is the only age in life where sticky food is less messy because it sticks to the spoon.  While helping Squishy, I am also trying to convince Tata that she still likes whatever we are eating because somehow Squishy, who’s not even two, has eaten more than Tata, who just turned seven.

Eventually Squishy will give up on eating altogether, and I will give up on getting Tata to eat. I get all the dishes into the sink and then change Squishy’s diaper. Not the best idea right after eating. The girls and I play for a little while before getting ready for bed. Then I read them a book and tuck them both in. Finally, I sit down next to Squishy to make sure she doesn’t get up and go for a walk when she is supposed to be sleeping and play with my computer until I am sure she is asleep.

Then it hits me. Then I start thinking how nice a glass of water would be. I get a glass, go to the sink, turn the sink on, fill the glass, turn the sink off (must conserve water you know) and start drinking. That is the plan anyway. Instead, I suck the water down as if I am a fish gasping for air. So fast, my throat doesn’t have time decide which direction the water is supposed to go and some of it goes up. That was not an adequate amount of water. Within seconds, I have the water running at full blast (the hell with conservation) and the glass is refilling just as fast I can gulp down the water.

It is very frustrating when I notice that I have gotten into a routine that is not in line with my goals. I want to have better control of my blood sugar and I want to get my A1C below 6. This is not the way.

One of the things I am learning from my diabetes, is that nothing is over until your dead. I could have told you that. The point is, that you keep trying for your goals no matter what gets in the way. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, I create my obstacles. At the end of the day: I still have diabetes, my family still depends on me, and it is my responsibility to take control of this uncontrollable disease. Some days it is hard to deal with. Some days I just don’t deal with it at all. But giving up is not an option. We all struggle with this on daily basis. In the end, I just have to remember that I am not alone, that I can do this, that it takes time, that everyone has off days, and that I am not alone. Every time I realize that I have developed another destructive routine, I say to myself, “ Starting right now, I am going to take better care of my diabetes.” Living with diabetes is often a long line of do-overs.  My do-over today started right before I began writing this post. What are you going to do starting right now? Your do-over just began.